During a recent stroll down German Street I had someone come up to me and say, “I really enjoy reading your column, but can you dumb it down a bit?” I asked a few questions, wondering what type of information they were looking for. I came to the conclusion that they really just wanted to understand what makes a chardonnay a chardonnay, and what makes a sauvignon blanc different than a viognier. So as David once again flies off to another exotic location, leaving me behind to man the shop, I’ll take this opportunity to answer some basic questions about wine—and try to simplify it a bit.

When people describe wine in terms like, “In the nose I get blueberries, chocolate, and vanilla,” what does that mean? First of all, it does not mean the vintner added vanilla extract to your wine or squeezed a lime over the barrel. The only thing that can be in a wine is grape juice. So, when we describe a wine as “grassy with aromas of black truffles and forest floor,” we’re painting an image of the wine. We are also trying to sound intellectual and creative, yet usually failing.

But flavors really don’t mean that much. Consider this metaphor. In my bachelor days I would describe a girl as blonde hair, blue eyes, and medium height. Or brown hair, hazel eyes, and short. These qualities alone don’t make a girl attractive or not. It’s about the big picture and how all the elements combine. The same is true in wine. Just because you taste berries and chocolate in a wine does not make it worthy of a $100 price tag. And if a wine smells of horse manure, that does not necessarily mean you should pour it down the drain. It is all about the total package—how flavors work together, then balance with the acidity and tannins.

Now that you know how describing wine is just like hitting on girls, I’ll describe the typical characteristics of the major varietals (grape types). The metaphors can continue all day, but instead of getting in big trouble with my wife by comparing wine to females that I may or may not have dated, I decided it would be safer to compare them with celebrities instead. Here are the basic varietals. Whites and reds listed from lightest to fullest bodied (there are tons more grapes than this out there, but we have limited space!).

White Zinfandel. Celebrity character: Hannah Montana, “Club Kool Aid.” The beginner’s wine and soda pop of alcohol, this mass-produced, slightly sweet, pink stuff would never be touched by a real wine snob. Yet I have heard many a wine salesman say, “It may not be great juice, but I’d rather have them drink white zinfandel than beer or liquor any day!”

Pinot Grigio. Celebrity character: Rose from the Golden Girls—not too smart, yet you don’t kick her out of the house, because she is just being Rose, and for some strange reason, Rose is oddly appealing. Pinot Grigio is a very light white wine that is usually inexpensive, very dry, with typical aromas of, umm, white wine. This is not a wine we spend hours discussing and analyzing. It is the wine of the “ladies luncheon,” an easy drinking white.

Sauvignon Blanc. Celebrity character: Ross from “Friends.” Who doesn’t like Ross? He is quirky and intelligent and easy-going. He has a touch of sophistication, but isn’t taken too seriously. This wine is all about crisp acidity, the perfect wine with seafood and light poultry dishes. Typical aromas are herbal, grassy, mineral, and citrus.

Riesling. Celebrity character: Heidi Klum, “The Aging German Beauty.” Just like a model, this wine can have many different looks. German Rieslings can range from dry to sticky-gooey dessert wine, while Australian Riesling is usually bone dry. No matter where it is from, Riesling is always a beautiful and sexy wine that ages gracefully.

Chardonnay. Celebrity character: Omorosa, from Donald Trumps’ “Apprentice,” as in, in your face. This wine can be beautiful and can be elegant. It can also be boastful and over oaked. Typical flavor profiles include popcorn butter and roasted nuts. Enjoy this wine with richer poultry dishes and meats.

Pinot Noir. Celebrity character: Richard Branson, as in casual yet loaded! Pinot Noir is the cool, laid back red wine that ain’t cheap. A very expensive grape to grow, yet a casual wine to drink, it is a light- to medium-bodied red wine with cranberry or raspberry notes, and sometimes citrus components. This wine is perfect with light meat dishes. especially salmon.

Merlot. Celebrity character: Mel Gibson—do you remember Mel’s distasteful and drunken comment to the L.A.P.D. that ruined his reputation? That’s what happened to poor merlot when a character in the movie “Sideways” forever damaged the varietal’s name by claiming he was not going to a party if they were serving “bleeping merlot.” You would be hard-pressed to find a very good inexpensive California Merlot. This grape, like Mel Gibson in the “Lethal Weapon” movie series, shows its best stuff with a solid supporting cast of other grapes to blend with.

Cabernet Sauvignon. Celebrity character: Robert Redford, the total package. This wine has it all. It can be as glamorous as the “Great Gatsby,” or as confident, strong, and cool as his “Indecent Proposal” character. Usually a medium- to large-bodied wine with aromas ranging from dark berries and chocolate to earthy aromas, Cabernet, when made well, is an instant classic.

Red Zinfandel. Celebrity character: Arnold Schwarzenegger, “California Muscle.” This wine is almost exclusively grown in California, and is usually massive in size, weight, muscle, and alcohol content. Aromas are often of dark raspberry and kirsch, with a thick-coating mouth feel, and sometimes an almost sweet finish. Many of the red zinfandel superstars nowadays are near port-like in their weight and flavor profiles.